Some Of My Best Friends Wear Gay Apparel

http://www.towleroad.com/2011/12/michigan-school-removes-the-word-gay-from-deck-the-halls-christmas-carol-angering-facebook-users.html

Dear School Districts of Christian America and its Outlying Territories and Fiefdoms:

Having achieved momentary success in Michigan before being thwarted by the LAMESTREAM media, I have renewed my commitment to exposing the FILTHY RECRUITING TACTICS thrust into our nation’s children’s earholes by SUBVERSIVE COMMUNIST MUSIC TEACHERS most of which are also HOMOS. In the most disgusting of all possible scenarios, they have declared WAR on our values by using the music of our own holiday against us.

There can be no war without casualties, and I am prepared to accept the consequences even if it means that our hymnals and volumes of popular carols arranged for Big-Note Easy Piano will be lighter next year.   Take note that I and thousands of other tax-paying, God-fearing Americans like me am incensed, confused, and aroused by the prospect of our children hearing the following carols:

 DING DONG MERRILY ON HIGH

OH COME, ALL YE FAITHFUL/OH COME, OH COME, EMMANUEL/IT CAME UPON THE MIDNIGHT CLEAR etc.

ANGELS WE HAVE HEARD ON HI GURL WHAT THAT IS YOU WEARING GURL

GOD REST YE MERRY GENTLEMEN HERE ON THE DIVAN WHILE I GO SLIP INTO SOMETHING MORE COMFORTABLE

I SAW MY TWO MOMMIES KISSING SANTA CLAUS

WHAT, CHILD, IS THIS BIZNASS UP IN HURR

WHILE SHEPHERDS WATCHED THEIR FLOCKS THEY WERE ALSO MAKING OUT AND TRYING TO LEGALIZE MARRIAGE TO UNDERAGE BOY SHEEP

WE WISH YOU HAPPY HOLIDAYS BECAUSE WE ARE COMMIES

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR AGNES MOOREHEAD TO COME BACK FROM THE DEAD AND CALL ME DERWOOD

DO YOU HEAR WHAT I HEAR, PROBABLY ADELE OR SOMETHING

GRANDMA GOT RUN OVER BY A REINDEER AND OBAMACARE MADE HER GIVE ALL HER MEDICINE TO A GAY COUPLE’S ADOPTED BABY WITH AIDS

I ask that you and all your employees please refrain from teaching or singing these “songs.” We cannot allow their pinko messages to penetrate our children’s vulnerable minds at this most wonderful time of year when we rely on Christmas traditions to recharge the fragile batteries of faith and credulity that keep things humming along so smoothly in the home, at the workplace, and on the battlefield.

Yours Truly,

That One Person in North Dakota Who Writes Every Patriotic Email Forward Ever

——-

Image via Paper People East

Follow me on Twitter: @japanezrscrooge

Dear God, Whose Name I Do Not Know

As part of my research for an upcoming costume design gig, I found myself watching and re-watching this scene from John Patrick Shanley’s lovely film JOE VS. THE VOLCANO. I find it unspeakably moving in spite of—and because of—the sweet silliness of the movie that surrounds it. It fixed something that needed fixing, that I didn’t even realize was broken.

There’s a point in every creative process, no matter how exciting the project is or how supportive your colleagues are, where the best parts of your creative self flee in terror from the light of scrutiny like so many cockroaches, racing toward the rich fetid darkness under the fridge. You are out of ideas. The embers are dark and cold, the well has run dry, and also other metaphors as well. Your head is a rotten pumpkin filled with the joyless buzzing of hungry angry wasps. You feel sunburned and exposed, marooned and hunted, menaced by the very real sensation that you may drown, that you are drowning.

But then the moon rises—enormous, hallucinatory, and silent. And you remember that all around you there are huge, inexorable, tidal forces at work that take no notice of your tiny addled mind and your flailing limbs and the wasps in your pumpkin. There are forces moving the sea that surrounds you, forces that you would do well to emulate because they do not feel sorry for you.

You rise to your feet and give thanks. And you find the next small, lovely thing to add to the mess that is, slowly but surely, taking shape in front of your dazzled eyes.

I had forgotten how big my life is. I had forgotten how grateful I am. Thank you. Thank you for my life.

Daenon Froot-et-de-Bodum Lofet Yoggurt: A Video Review

“It boost energy during the early or late morning snake and also between lunch and dinner when you need a snake when you need to fill in for your mills.”

Aces! Also it seems to be good for thickening your fingernails.

“It is a low calories product.”

Fine. But will it help me poop? Also, HOLD IT CLOSER TO THE CAMERA PLEASE

Happy Saturday, Children Of The Internet

I cannot think of a single way in which this could be improved.

I Spend Too Much Time Writing Facebook Comments

Exhibit A.